These past few weeks have been an exercise in faith, patience, and perseverance for me. I know a lot of people talk a good game about trying to live their best life and achieving their goals, but I’m out here actually trying to walk the walk.
As such, I decided to follow my heart and quit my job and move back to the state that I consider my second home. While I’m still in the same profession, the blessing is that I’m now making more money than I was before and I’m able to live in an area I always wanted to live in (and where my dream house is). Plus, because I’m able to have a job that can sustain me without outside work, I should have more time for writing and pursuing my other entrepreneurial goals. My eye is firmly on the prize and I aim to stay cognizant of that every day because I know how easy it could be to get caught up.
But to say that the journey to this new twist in my overall story has not been stressful would be the biggest lie ever told. Man! I have an entire post about anxiety and panic attacks coming because this process has made me realize how real that is for me and has forced me to start facing how to deal with them. And I know to the outside eye that this move could look, for lack of a better word, different or backward. I gave up a fulltime, tenure-track gig and I’m returning to teaching in a school system that I once left. Not at the same place, thank God. But still. I am very strategic and I have a plan with what I’m doing. I realized that the path to what I call success may need to be different than the ones my friends and others in similar situations have taken. I’m okay with that though. Ultimately, I’ll still reach where I’m trying to go.
Plus, the truth is, I was miserable in almost every area of my life. I realized quickly that in the time that I had left living in New York, I had changed and the things that I wanted to do and craved had changed. The person I am now at this age doesn’t always want to hang out (aside from the fact that my job didn’t afford me the time or income to do so even if I wanted to) or do what I used to do when I lived there before. Additionally, I missed everything from where I am now: my church, my friends, driving my car (I have this fear of driving in New York so I never brought my car up there), family, etc. And the job, not the profession but the job, just wasn’t a good fit.
But although I made the decision to try and get out, the journey to try and do so seemed like an uphill battle. If I looked back and counted all the jobs I applied to in the past year (which I almost did before I got the offer for my current job) I would probably cry. It was that depressing. But I persevered. And I prayed. And I cried. And I’d occasionally side-eye God, before remembering that whole faith as small as a mustard seed thing, and then check myself accordingly. And I started packing up my shit even before I had a job offer, knowing I was moving regardless and someone was going to hire me – even if it involved a temporary stint in my hometown for awhile before I came back to where I wanted to be. I kid you not, this time last week I was telling my homegirl that I saw Lyft was hiring drivers and I would consider applying there. And I was dead serious too.
So I tell this story to say, that sometimes you have to just follow your heart and make a decision that may not make sense to anyone else but you. I truly do not care what anyone I know thinks when they see my resume and see what I walked away from and what I walked toward. They don’t know my purpose. They don’t know my heart. They don’t know that this over-thinking mind of mine is strategic as hell and that everything about this is actually a step forward.
I’m excited. I am looking forward to making new connections and whole-heartedly pursuing things that I have back-burnered for too long. I’m excited about this growth and these opportunities. I’m excited about starting to feel free again.