I have this goal. The goal is to be so in love with my life as a whole that I don’t notice the small detractors that I tend to obsess over and give too much attention. Inherent with this is enjoying and appreciating the now. Instead of postponing happiness and attaching it to events that haven’t occurred yet, embracing the present and being present are the goal. Basically, actively living and following through with all those positive quotes I’ve liked but not really lived up to.
I could get into what has led to this goal. I could list the things in my life that have taken me to this fork in the road. But to sum it up, I basically decided that being free means actively embracing that idea everyday. And it’s not an idealistic feeling that sounds fun to say. Looking around at what’s going on in the world today, it seems like more than ever claiming your freedom and defining what life means to you – especially as a Black person, is an imperative. Hell, being free, declaring that and living that, in and of itself is revolutionary. I would think that by now it would be clear that being respectable is not going to save our lives, but I know there are still some holding onto that idea. Well, even with the multiple checks on the respectability checklist that I have going for me, I’ve weighed the pros and cons and decided that as short as life is, I’d rather live fully, and freely. I want my gravestone to say “she followed her heart “, not “she followed their rules.”
And so step one with that is to every day do at least one thing that takes me a step further to my goals. Some days that will be putting in work towards a major goal. Some days that may be going somewhere or doing something that is on my bucket list. Some days it may just be self-care, doing something that nourishes my soul so that I can continue evolving into the person I am meant to be. And the challenge, which I am up to, is always making time for that one thing. Because the truth is that there will always be something that I “have” to do, whether it’s for work, for my home, for someone I care about, or someone I don’t care about. There will always be a reason to procrastinate on taking steps to reach my goals, after all, my goals are no one else’s priority but mine (at least for now). But I have to get out of my own way and accentuate the positive habits that correlate with this mindset, while also overcoming those that go against it.
I’ll be honest and admit that I started writing this post a while ago. Every time that I have started to post it, however, I’ve decided not to in favor of being real and going with what I was actually feeling at the time. Just looking at the little gap in my last post, one can assume that something has been up, which would be an understatement. Basically my life has been consumed with the adjustment of moving, starting a new job, and tying up loose ends that have sprung up everywhere for the past month or so. Amidst all that, the last thing that I have felt like is free. If anything, I’ve felt so out of sorts that the frustration has had me questioning my decisions. But again and again, even when I’ve been to the point of tears trying to wrap my mind around my ever-growing task list, I keep being reminded of what it is that I want and what moved me to make the moves I’m making. This past weekend I’ve felt like I’ve been getting whispers from God with all these people I’ve heard and read talking about the manifestation of their goals and living the life they wanted to live. And of course each text I get from my mother, who is out being the epitome of a carefree Black girl doing a cross-country roadtrip with 3 of my aunts – one of the many things on her bucket list that she has been going to town on these past 6 months – also reminds me. I have one life to live, and I have to make choices in terms of how I’m going to live it. I have to step out and live, even amidst the tedious details that need to be dealt with. I have to prioritize if I want to have the life that I want to live. And I can’t distracted and go with the flow that’s not meant for me. I have to walk in the knowledge of who I am and who I am becoming.
I just want to love my life. Just saying that and thinking that makes me excited and happy. It makes me free. And truly, there is nothing like a woman that feels free. There’s nothing like a person that feels free. And, since I am one, there damn sure is nothing like a Carefree Black Girl.