It’s funny how things work sometimes. A week or so ago as I was driving to work, concentrating on making sure I didn’t accidentally drive onto black ice, I heard this voice come out of nowhere and speak to me. You all know the voice…the soft one, the one that’s like all your common sense and love mixed into one. Usually it’s out of nowhere that this voice sneaks up on me dropping a simple sentence that shakes my entire world from the power in the simplicity of what is said. That day it was as soft as always and as calm and as out of the blue. It said simply, “It’s time you forgive. ”
Just like that.
I knew immediately which situation it was referring to. I didn’t have to think about it or second guess it.
It’s time to forgive.
The funny thing in that, is that all I could think was, “why in the hell did I not think of that already?” Without going into a lot of (or any) detail, I’ll just say that the situation in reference here involved a guy. The past few months have been ones where I have off and on tried to make sense of the complicated emotions I seemed to go through in reference toward him. There were the thoughts of me looking at him as this horrible person, me thinking I was also a horrible person (because if you deal with someone that’s horrible, logically wouldn’t that mean you also might be horrible?). There were angry vindictive thoughts, sad thoughts, and ultimately just the “this is a waste of mental space, why do I even entertain fleeting thoughts of this man” thoughts. But the last time we spoke was in November. So the one loud resounding thought was — “umm, when am I going to just get over all thoughts of that man and that situation?”
Because see that was a prayer of mine. I know I’m not alone in having times where you say some version of this to God, “hey, anytime you want to wipe my memory clean of anything having to do with _________, I’m ready. I promise I learned from this. I got the lesson. Now if we can get to the forgetting part, that would be great.” And still…the thoughts – he’s a horrible person-I’m a horrible person – angry vindictive thoughts- sad thoughts- and repeat. And then today…
It’s time to forgive.
Now I know how forgiveness is and how it works. I know that like they say, forgiveness actually sets you free. When you can truly forgive and mean it, it heals you. And that’s not just a saying. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that all of a sudden all is forgotten. Forgiveness and forgetting are not synonymous. But still, it’s freeing and its powerful. Which is why when I heard that voice this morning, all I could think was, why didn’t I think of this earlier? Seriously, I could have saved myself a lot of mental space if I did.
But I get it. I think maybe sometimes it’s necessary to go through the ring of emotions we sometimes go through so we can figure out the purpose, the meaning, and really get the lesson. I look at some of the things I’ve written since then and how I’m approaching dating and men today, and I think I needed the wake-up call of that situation to realize my limits and standards on a variety of different things. Even when I question if I needed as loud a wake-up call as that situation was, I still get it. Because it really has made me look at life differently. It’s made me more empathetic and thoughtful about situations and people I may have been more judgemental to in the past. It’s made me even more firm in standing in my truth – and all that encompasses it -and not apologizing for it. And I needed to. Yet while I have realized all of these things for months, the idea of forgiveness literally had not occurred to me.
But now it’s time. I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive every perceived offense or disregard from him. And I have to accept that this particular situation was a part of my story. And I not only learned from it I grew from it. And it’s over. And now I’m ready and able to forgive.
Timing is everything with these things I guess.